Botox Tips
The comic Nick DiPaolo on the Letterman show in March:
‘As Opposed to His Usual Location’
Aired Tuesday night on CBS: Larry King is getting divorced. Yep. And Larry, apparently, has had seven wives, which means he has had seven weddings. So it appears that Larry King is the cause of the rice shortage!
President Bush will be spending the entire week in the Orient, as opposed to his usual location, the Disorient — Thank you!
What, Them Worry?
According to several reports yesterday, Circuit City can take a joke; it just takes a while. The electronics store chain said it was restoring Mad Magazine to its newsstands after a report that it was suppressing this month’s issue because of an unflattering parody, part of which is above.
‘Where All the Harley Guys Go’
Aired Tuesday night on NBC: Yesterday was Barack Obama’s birthday. I believe he turned a little to the right, if I’m not mistaken. No, he turned 47 years old yesterday, had a big party for him. I don’t know who sang happy birthday to him, but I think we can rule out Ludacris.
Of course, Obama’s supporters got him his usual birthday gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh.
Well, listen to this, according to the Huffington Post, it’s being reported that Barack Obama may name Indiana Senator Evan Bayh as his vice presidential running mate tomorrow. Now here’s what we know about Evan Bayh. He was going to run for president, then he dropped out after getting less than 2 percent of the vote so he was actually losing to low-fat milk.
And Barack Obama now says he’s open to offshore oil drilling. So, apparently, when he promised change, he was talking about his mind. Read more …
‘How Times Have Changed’
Aired Tuesday night on “The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” on CBS: President Bush arrived in South Korea today. They had to use water cannons to push back the protesters. That shows you how times have changed, because when President Clinton visited South Korea, they used the same water cannons for the wet T-shirt contest.
‘Shooting Dust’
Aired Tuesday night on NBC: The government of China says it’s going to prevent rain at the Beijing Olympics by shooting dust into the clouds. Yeah, because that’s the problem in Beijing — there’s not enough crap in the air.
Now, yesterday, the government of China also guaranteed that the Beijing Olympics will be safe. But the fact is that the Chinese government knows the Olympics will be safe, because they’ve already written the next three weeks of news stories.
Today, the moderators were announced for the upcoming presidential debates. Apparently, Barack Obama insisted on someone who asks even-handed, probing questions, while John McCain insisted on someone who will talk into his good ear.
John McCain does not want Dick Cheney to attend the Republican convention, because he says he’s too unpopular. When asked to comment, Cheney said, “I hope the Senator reconsiders.” Then he turned into a bat and flew away.
Earlier today, Tropical Storm Edouard moved from the Gulf of Mexico and crossed into Texas. Experts say it’s the first tropical storm to cross the Mexican border in the trunk of a Chevy.
In Ohio, a prisoner is claiming that he’s too obese to be executed, but he says he could go for a last meal.
Tourist Invasion, Nazi-Style
No. 3 on Slate’s list of “the 10 oddest travel guides ever published“:
“Das Generalgouvernement,” by Karl Baedeker (1943):
The iconic Baedekers of Leipzig, pressured by the Nazi government into producing a vacation guide to occupied Poland, published the most inadvertently creepy guidebook ever, complete with Reichminister General Governor Hans Frank promising visitors the charms of home—”ein stark heimatlich anmutendes Gebilde.” Those charms include an Adolf-Hitler-Platz in the foldout Warsaw map and a brief entry for Auschwitz listing it only as a “train station.” Read more …
Peace of Cake — Get It?
All they are saying is give sweets a chance:
Cake mold found here.Oddest Book Titles
The death of Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn reminded us that his “Gulag Archipelago” has a pretty strange title — in that it pairs two obscure words in an even more confusing formulation. But then we stumbled across this year’s “oddest book titles” on theBookseller.com and realized there’s a lot of competition. Here are the winner and runners-up for the site’s Diagram Prize for Oddest Book Title of the Year, as determined earlier this year in an online poll:
Winner
“If You Want Closure in Your Relationship, Start with Your Legs”
By Big Boom (Simon & Schuster)Runners-up
“I Was Tortured by the Pygmy Love Queen”
By Jasper McCutcheon (The Nazca Plains Corporation)“Cheese Problems Solved”
Edited by P.L.H. McSweeney (Woodhead)“How to Write a How to Write Book”
By Brian Piddock (Neil Rhodes Books)“Are Women Human? And Other International Dialogues”
By Catharine A. MacKinnon (Harvard University Press)“People Who Mattered in Southend and Beyond: From King Canute to Dr. Feelgood”
By Dee Gordon (Ian Henry Publications)
‘The World Naked Bike Ride’
More of your “late night” jokes (use the comment link below):
President Bush is on a tour of Asia this week. At a state dinner in Japan, he sent his sushi back. “Hey, I asked for well done.”
Baseball will punish five players for fighting in the Kansas City-Chicago game on Sunday. Royals fans who witnessed this scene were in shock. Finally, their guys actually hit something. – Alan Ray, Stockton, Calif.
I’m not saying the pollution in Beijing is bad, but the “Today” show is calling its Olympics coverage “Where in the World is Matt Lauer?” – Marc Ragovin, New York
Look at all the sponsors that there will be on the NBC broadcasts of the Olympics. Folks are interested in Beijing; NBC is intersted in ca-ching! – Gil Stern
Barack Obama celebrated his birthday yesterday. He received tons of presents, including gold, frankincense and myrrh from the three wise men. – Pedro Bartes
Police in Atlantic Beach, Florida, charged a woman with domestic battery after she allegedly struck her husband with a frozen lasagna. Since she waited until the lasagna was frozen solid and brought it into the bedroom from the kitchen, she’ll also be charged with carrying a congealed weapon.
Hundreds of nearly-nude bikers rode around St. Louis recently as part of the World Naked Bike Ride to protest U.S. dependence on oil. This is better known as the Tour de I-See-London-I-See-France-I-See-Bikers-With-No-Underpan ts.
Delta Air Lines announced it will offer broadband wireless Internet access on its entire domestic mainline fleet by the middle of next year. This is why the airlines are discontinuing the free pillow service — so you don’t smother the person next to you on a five-hour flight playing World of Warcraft. – Paul Seaburn, Spring, Texas
Things Not to Say in a Facebook Status Update
From Wired:
1. Rockin’ “Freebird”!
2. Rubbing cream on that thing I noticed last weekend. Doesn’t seem to be working.
3. Buying DC Universe Classics Wave 5: the Atom at Wal-Mart! Build-a-figure Metallo is complete!
4. Feeling trapped in this male body.
5. Jesus, I’m lonely.
6. D’oh! Accidentally trimmed my pickin’ nail.
7. Watching “The Notebook” again.
8. Quick! Does anyone know the age of consent in Kentucky?
9. Just came up with a new emoticon for sanguine [:< ≠>
10. Thinking about maybe talking to someone.
‘Stay Away From Loud Hawaiian Shirts’
Aired Monday night on NBC: Thank you very much. All these young people here to see the Jonas Brothers. This is like the opposite of a John McCain rally.
Very enthusiastic group here tonight. You sound like Congress going on their five-week vacation.
Congress went on a five-week vacation starting today. And boy, they deserve it, don’t they? They got so much done this year — solved the energy crisis, health care, Social Security, immigration. Whew! Take a break, fellas.
You ever notice that Congress doesn’t even call it a vacation? They call it a recess. You ever notice the only people that get recess are Congress, kindergarteners and juries — the three groups you can’t trust to make an adult decision. Read more …
‘Remember Hillary Clinton?’
Aired Monday night on CBS: John McCain had a great weekend. He met with his ham radio club, and then he played horseshoes at the senior center.
They say John McCain is 71, but people are now saying he may be older. No one knows for sure because his birth certificate was destroyed when the wagon train was attacked.
Do you remember Hillary Clinton? … She was running for president, and her campaign was, like, $30 million in debt, so she’s trying to raise…enough money to pay off the debt. And here’s how you can help. If you contribute $5 to erase her campaign debt, you can have dinner with her. For $10, you get to tie the lobster bib on her pantsuit.
‘Designated Protest Areas’
Aired Monday night on NBC: Today, President Bush left on a seven-day trip to Asia, where he will visit South Korea, Thailand and China. Or, as Bush refers to them, China, China, and China.
Speaking of China, it has announced that during the Olympics, protesters will be allowed to assemble in designated protest areas. … Or, as they’re commonly called in China, “jails.”
Barack Obama has agreed to debate John McCain three times this fall, but both candidates have conditions. Obama wants the debates to be held on college campuses, while McCain wants them to be held before 7 p.m.
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